I had a dream I was getting sick again. That reality was slowly slipping away from me. I’m always afraid that it’s right around the corner. That anything can and will set me off to the path of self-destruction.
Have you ever been lost before? I don’t mean in a physical sense, I mean in a mental sense. The person you are has gone missing and rationality no longer exists. It is a lot like Alice Through the Looking Glass. You think you know, but you have no idea.
I use Alice Through the Looking Glass because I have been through it a time or two. OK, more like three. You think the words that come from your mouth are logical, but they are gibberish to the people around you. People will look at you funny, too. And what they are trying to convey is concern, but what you are reading is judgment.
My mother becomes my enemy in times like these. I can remember thinking of her as Nurse Ratched. I was sure she wanted to overdose me. When I am me, we never fight. I don’t remember the last time we had a fight about anything. When I am not me, we fight. And it gets physical. I couldn’t imagine being in my mother’s shoes, having a daughter with Bipolar Disorder that includes bouts of psychosis. My sister deserves a lot of praise, too, because she has fought for me in so many ways. I am lucky I have the family I do, damn lucky.
My dream scares me though because sometimes my dreams aren’t just dreams. They’re a kind of premonition and in no way am I saying I’m psychic. I just sometimes have dreams that are telling. My father is an alcoholic. My parents were separating when I was younger because of it, but he became sober and my mom took him back, no matter how much I protested it. Well some years later, I had a dream that he was drinking and my mom was fine with it. Not long after my dream, he indeed was drinking again and to this day he still is. We’re not fine with it, but he doesn’t get aggressive like he did when he was younger.
Becoming lost is scary and the more it happens, the harder it is for the doctors to get me back. Could you imagine if you became lost for good? Therein lies the fear.