That’s what I have to remember when I look back on my miscarriage. A D&C or Dilation and Curettage can feel a lot like an abortion. I am pro-choice 100%, but when it comes to my personal preference, I couldn’t abort.
I fell pregnant when I was with Jorge. I had missed a Depo shot without realizing it and when I walked into Planned Parenthood, I was hit with the news relatively quickly. I was in shock, a pure terror had formed in my gut and I said to the nurse, “You’re kidding me.” To which she replied, “I don’t kid about these things.”
I walked out with my pamphlets and began to sob. I texted Jorge to meet me in the courtyard of school where I told him the news. The fear I felt, you would have thought I was 16, not 21. He grabbed his things from class and we left for home. I called my mom and she calmed me down and we discussed my options.
I couldn’t abort, and my mom wouldn’t let me choose adoption, as she was adopted. It rubs her the wrong way for some reason. So the only option I had been to keep the baby. Little did I know I was in for a major roller coaster of emotions.
I found an OBGYN and that’s where the problem begins. He couldn’t find the fetal pole so he had me coming in every week for transvaginal ultrasounds. I talked with my sister who wanted me to come home and meet with her OBGYN.
There was no baby. That was the consensus. So I could choose to miscarry naturally or opt for the D&C. I chose the D&C without question because a former friend of mine who fell pregnant at 17 chose to miscarry naturally and she almost hemorrhaged to death. I didn’t want to take any chances.
What happened to me used to be called a Blighted Ovum. Then it was called Early Term Pregnancy Failure which is now coined Early Pregnancy Loss. And it can happen for a number of reasons, I just don’t know what mine was.
I can and have allowed myself to feel the loss, but I also remind myself that there was no baby. It helps.