The experience I went through when I was 14 holds mixed feelings, like two sides of a dysfunctional coin. He was 20 and I was with my best friend at a hotel get together for her sister’s 19th birthday. We were all drinking and smoking pot and he had left for a bit with his friend. While he was gone, my friend and her sister passed out so I went out on the balcony with her O.E. (Old English beer) and started contemplating the name of the grocery store across the street.
He stepped out. I remember seeing his white shoe and cuffed baggy khaki pant leg. My heart trembled an instant. The minute he saw me he got a catlike grin on his face and offered me a Heineken. I told him I had a drink, but he said his was better so I took it and thanked him. He then pulled the blunt from behind his ear as he sat down and lit up. We were quiet for a moment until I nervously brought up the grocery store’s name. He laughed and passed me the blunt. He wouldn’t take it back so I thought nothing of it and kept smoking. He took my hand and I tried to pull away and succeeded a couple of times before I blacked out.
I awoke on his lap with his hand up my shirt as he was kissing my neck. I remember trying to get out the word no, but it was like I couldn’t speak and had lost the ability. The slider was open and we heard my best friend’s sister calling for him so he put me back in my chair and went inside. I didn’t know what to do, but I was really thirsty and drank some more of the beer.
He comes back out and tells me we have to go call my best friend’s sister’s friend. In the elevator he starts kissing me and I will always have a love hate relationship with Winterfresh gum. He was my first kiss and at the same time I didn’t want it, I wanted it. We couldn’t get ahold of the friend so we went back upstairs and he forced me into the bathroom. I wanted to go lay down next to my best friend and go to sleep.
He got me naked and groped me, kissing and licking my body, I couldn’t get him to stop and luckily I was on my period so he didn’t want to go further. I remember him sitting on the floor against the wall telling me this was all a dream and none of it really happened and I told him I could feel the coldness of the tile floor. I blacked out again and woke up and he was gone. I don’t know what time it was, but I turned on the bath and as the scalding water reddened my skin I cried. I must have taken 4 or 5 baths before I dressed and laid down next to my friend. He then came and laid behind me for a minute and said it was all okay as he stroked my hair.